Donald Trump is currently in the hospital after mistaking his reflection for a Big Mac and eating his own head.

Scientists are baffled by the physics that would allow such a seemingly impossible feat.

One theory is that Trump unhinged his jaw like a python, stretched his lower lip over the base of his skull, and regurgitated his stomach like a starfish—digesting his head while it still sat atop his neck.

The White House says Trump was in good spirits today and will not let this brief setback interfere with his ongoing efforts to use his position of power for monetary gain.

No other details have been made public and the NYPD has not responded to our requests for a statement. However, Ms Frankel's publicist had this to say:

“We want to be absolutely clear that at no point was Pizza Rat ‘inside’ Ms. Frankel, nor did she invite, encourage, or consent to invasive rodent proximity. The incident occurred when an unusually aggressive Pizza Rat approached Ms. Frankel while she was engaged in her morning pelvic floor routine. The resulting muscular contraction produced a coincidental shock wave of entirely natural origin that appears to have caused catastrophic internal disruption to the rodent’s organs.”

“To characterize this as a targeted attack is deeply unfair. Ms. Frankel’s Kegel practice is about empowerment, not pest control. She remains devastated by the loss of a local cultural icon and sends her thoughts to the rodent community during this difficult time.”

Oh my God. How long is this movie? I’ve been watching it for like seven TikToks and all I know is monkeys are hitting stuff with bones, the spacesuits look weird, and there’s a big iPad with a blank screen everyone keeps staring at.

Oh cool. Now there’s a super boring robot. Awesome.

Also I watched “Eyes Wide Shut” earlier and there was zero proof of completion. I watched the entire movie. Nothing actually happened. Total scam.

Same with “The Shining.” Worst porn ever.

I don’t get why people are so into this guy. He’s mid. If he wants people to take him seriously, he needs to serve hard with his next movie.

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Boomers, Gen Xers, and Elder Millennials all know him. Once one of the most recognizable cereal mascots of the ’90s, Toucan Sam is a staple of many American childhoods. Reporter Judith Lake sits down with this pop-culture icon to discuss his rise and fall, the path to redemption, and the lessons learned along the way.

Judith: Thank you for agreeing to sit down with me. I know you had reservations about this interview.

Toucan Sam: Sure. I mean, everything is rage bait these days, and I just, you know, I’ve had my share of bad press.

Judith: You’re referring to your public breakdown?

Toucan Sam: Wow. We’re just getting right into it, huh? I mean… sure…

Judith: Let’s come back to that later. Did you always want to be an actor?

Toucan Sam: As far back as I can remember. Look, I was a child of the ’60s. My parents, though, they always looked back instead of forward. Everything about the way they lived just seemed small, you know? Small town. Small jobs. Small ideas.

Judith: Were they supportive of your ambitions?

Toucan Sam: Oh, God no. I delivered papers as a kid, and back then you could go to a movie for a buck fifty. That became my singular reason for doing anything, really. Work, school, all of it. I knew I wanted to be up on that screen. To be big. To be important.

Judith: Is it true that your first job with Kellogg’s was actually a research position?

Toucan Sam: That’s right. People are so impressed with a shark’s sense of smell, but my nose? I can smell a Froot Loop within a 50-mile radius. We would go town to town and put on shows. You know, “who has the Froot Loops in their pocket” kind of thing. But what we were really doing was sniffing out “loop deserts.” Places where stores didn’t carry our product. Places the marketing and numbers guys had missed.

Judith: So that’s not an act.

Toucan Sam: It wasn’t at first. But then, you know…

Judith: The cocaine?

Toucan Sam: I mean, with a beak this size, I was probably going through two eight-balls a day. When you have the success I had, with that kind of stress and more money than you can spend… well, it can get pretty easy to develop a habit.

Judith: Are you an addict?

Toucan Sam: What? No. I can’t get addicted to cocaine. I’m a bird. That’s just science.

Judith: I don’t think that’s true.

Toucan Sam: My ancestors were dinosaurs, not mammals. You think T-Rex couldn’t handle his drugs? I promise you, T-Rex could handle his drugs.

Judith: I don’t think cocaine existed back…

Toucan Sam: It’s a PLANT, Judith. It’s the coca plant. You think dinosaurs weren’t chewing that all day? Of course they were. You know how hard dinosaurs had to work? It wasn’t easy like it is these days. They had to wrestle giant snakes and alligators. They had, like, hundred-foot pythons back then. All day, Judith. Wrestling giant pythons.

Judith: Are you high right now?

Toucan Sam: That’s offensive. Why would you even ask me that?

Judith: Well, you are wearing sunglasses. Inside. And you aren’t wearing any pants.

Toucan Sam: I’m a bird, Judith!

Judith: What do you say to someone reading this who might be worried about your behavior? A lot of people on social media have been expressing some real concern about you lately.

Toucan Sam: I’d tell them to mind their own business, Judith. What is it about small people that makes them feel the need to constantly peck at others who have actually done something with their life?

Judith: Well, I think…

Toucan Sam: Sour grapes, Judith. Sour grapes. That’s what it is. Unimportant people in some crap town that never made it out.

Judith: Do you think it’s fair to say that you have contempt, then, for people who “never made it out,” as you put it?

Toucan Sam: No, I don’t, Judith. I think you’re putting words in my mouth.

Judith: You just said…

Toucan Sam: I know what I said, Judith. I have an excellent memory. And you know what? I’m going to remember you.

Judith: Okay, I think…

Toucan Sam: Oh, I’m going to remember you, Judith. You think you’re shit in this industry? I’m an icon. You think I can’t destroy you? You think because you’re writing this silly article that you’re famous like me?

Judith: I do not.

Toucan Sam: Yeah. You’re not. Nobody knows you. You know how lucky you are that I’m spending my time talking to you? This nose is famous, Judith. Take a look. You see this nose? I fucked Gene Kelly with this nose.

Judith: Wow. Okay. I think that’s a good place to…

Toucan Sam: And your mother.

Judith: And we’re done. Thank you for your time, Mr. Sam.

Toucan Sam: Fuck you, Judith.

Samantha and George Wilkinson were on their way to an anniversary dinner in downtown Los Angeles when they stumbled into something they had never seen before.

“It was like a movie set,” Samantha recalled. “Burning barrels, tents, trash, and actors dressed like homeless people. It was all very authentic."

They never made it to the restaurant.

“We actually didn’t even make it to dinner,” George said, gesturing down the street to the block where they encountered the performance.

According to the couple, the show began with an apparent homicide staged near an alley, drawing in passersby. Having lived in the city for three months, the couple was experienced enough to notice the tell-tale signs of a production. “Yeah, we just got so caught up in the show after the murder,” Samantha said.

From there, the experience expanded into what the couple described as a fully realized interactive drama, with a temporary police station constructed inside a vacant municipal building.

“They even had a fully furnished police station where they treated us like witnesses, and had us file a police report,” George said.

It took them the entire night. “But what an experience,” Samantha said.

The production, part scavenger hunt, part unsanctioned immersive theater, and part city-scale ARG, is part of a wave of experimental ultra-realistic performance installations that have begun occupying abandoned commercial spaces in downtown Los Angeles.

“Yeah, that guy looked super dead,” George said, shaking his head. “I don’t know how they did it.”

The production even has follow-up performances, as the couple was given an exclusive reservation to attend a “Court Date,” and regularly receive “threatening calls” from the perpetrator.

 “He’s such a good actor,” Samantha said. “I really think he has a future in Hollywood.”